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3-16-00
I've recently noticed a heretofore unkown reservoir of anger within myself. I don't think it's so much that anything in particular is making me angry, though there are some things that could qualify in that respect. I must not try and cover up this anger, because that won't make it go away. It is also best if it just remains as general anger. I don't trust myself to act rationally if anybody gives me much reason to direct it at them. This is probably one of my biggest problems currently. This anger (which everybody has to a certain extent) is not necessarily a bad thing. Nothing is good or bad in its own right. It is only better or worse than some things in some respects. It's not even the continuum from totally good to totally bad that people usually think of when they say good/bad is relative. But anyway, back to the anger thing. One of the problems I have is that the people I feel most open with seem to have more pain inside than I do, so often conversations serve to increase my own anger, or at least expose previously unknown anger within myself. I know that understanding suffering is the key to awakening, but that isn't very easy when so much of it seems needless. Loving your enemy may be best, but is it really possible? Supposedly, this understanding can come from realizing that under similar circumstances, I would act similarly. However, this is obvious bullshit. There is no way I would ever rape anybody, for instance, regardless of any other circumstances. Sure, if I was as ignorant and close-minded and as generally fucked-up as some people, I might act as they do; but I am not, so the only cause of many of their actions that I can see is their own ignorance. An ignorance that by its very nature and the fear it causes in people prevents me from doing anything about it. Therefore it is this helplessness that seems to cause my anger. I think that writing this may have relieved some stress, but it didn't help me find a solution. Of course, it has helped me realize that ignorance leads to my own helpless feelings, which are the true cause of much of my anger. Also, there's the fact that my darker center does have a solution, but it is far too violent to carry out. Also, it really wouldn't solve anything in the long run. Luckily, I can at least know when a "solution" is only short-term and causes more harm than good. Many people would be better off for simply realizing this fact. Sure, many buddhists would say that any action carried out with right intent is necessarily "right action" (right intent and right action are steps in the noble eightfold path). However, there is a difference between right intent and what is commonly called "good intention." A person can honestly think they are doing a good thing by "protecting" somebody, but this person is often ignorant of the damage caused by this overprotectiveness. Only when the entire situation is seen is "right intent" truly possible. Not allowing a person the freedom to live her own life (yes, I said "her." I am not reacting to the more common usage of "him" for a person of unspecified gender, rather I am referring to an actual person who happens to be female) really doesn't stand much chance of improving that life. This is especially true when her parents don't really know who she is. It is only through interaction with people we know and trust that we can better ourselves. Some people may do just fine all alone, but this is exceedingly rare. The vision I just had regarding anger and our bettermen is interesting... It is somewhat related to my discussion on art and my current self-image. The dark center in each of us may be totally natural, but also contains, or is coated with many bad things. This coating is the cause of much of our personal suffering, along with the ignorance which is a part of the outer shell or our minds, or perhaps the lack of anything connecting the core with the shell. In order to "clean off" this coating of anger/pain, it must be somehow exposed. This is next to impossible to do if a person covers her (same person in this case, though this applies to everybody who covers him- or herself) true self (the outer shell) with an even more disconnected mask when around certain people. It is still exceedingly difficult even when others can see the outer shell without the mask. The best ways to expose the core for "cleaning" are through either conversation between trusting individuals or personal expression through art. Deep meditation can also lead to a better understanding of the coating of pain, whereby it could possibly be cleaned without exposing it to others. However, it is still best to be a part of a community of people who share a mutual high level of trust and understanding. It is entirely possible that the core in each of us is only dark because of its coating, and would actually be as pure and clear as a diamond once the coating is understood and removed. Perhaps reincarnation serves to give us each more than one chance to clean off this diamond. The last bit of dirt on it, along with the entire outer shell, is the basic "self" concept, and with its removal, one achieves nirvana (for more on this idea, read Dr. Brian Weiss's book Many Lives, Many Masters). |
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